Narcissists Need Love
I recently shared my private thoughts about how not to respond to your partner (or anyone for that matter) who tells you that they feel hurt, that you hurt them or that they are in pain. I shared this secret journal entry I discovered recently while cleaning up my desk and going through some loose papers. I shared it despite the sensitive nature of the topic and I even recognized my contribution to the situation that prompted me to write this “Guideline For Relationships”. In a world full of people spouting all kinds of noisy opinions, I was reluctant to add my opinion to the pile, but after I shared this in a weekly newsletter to which I’m a contributor, I was asked to say how TO respond in this situation. And I did. If you want to see those suggestions, you will have to subscribe to the MYB Five Things Friday newsletter and you can do that by going here and scrolling down to the footer.
Now, though, I’d love to share some of my thoughts and open up to reveal what I’ve learned over the years since realizing that I am, in fact, an empath, exploring my growing understanding of what this means, and how to manage it. First let’s just say that there is empathy and there is the idea of being an empath. Many people are empathetic or can access the behavior of empathy. Not all of those are, in fact, identifying as “empaths.”
As I child I thought of myself as the “family barometer.” This was the way I experienced my family life. It was uncertain and unpredictable. Sometimes my mother was sweet and happy and in a good mood, sometimes she was moody and angry and persnickety, or angry and withdrawn and silent. Neither of those were good or comfortable and I didn’t generally know in advance which version I was going to encounter, but I could be pretty sure that, if I went out with my father on a Friday night (his visitation night), when I returned home I was not likely to meet the mother who would be sweet and happy and good natured. Through this early training, I honed my skills of sensitivity to pick up on every non-verbal cue, every shade of color or look in her eye, I was constantly on high alert so that I could be as forewarned as possible to give as wide a berth as needed for me to feel safe.
When I was older and well-established in my meditation practice and then becoming a devoted and expertly trained Yoga teacher, I started to pick up on things that were going on for the people in my classroom. Eventually, I would physically experience symptoms before I ever left my house, figure out what I needed to do to resolve the symptoms, and use that information to teach the class. Gradually I started to understand that my abilities as a human “barometer” were coming in handy to help my students, but I didn’t actually understand that I was an empath until a decade after this.
As an empath, I have to be mindful and careful to recognize what it feels like when something is “mine” versus how it feels when something I’m experiencing actually belongs to someone else. This is a critical discernment and can be very helpful when doing my work. I can pick up on things that my client is feeling, but not necessarily aware of, and use that information to help them recognize their own inner sensations and body messages. But even that requires skill because some people are so dense and their feelings, sensations, and emotions are so buried or suppressed that they cannot even make room for the possibility that you are speaking sense to them.
I’m fairly certain that my empath friends in the world, perhaps some of you reading (or hearing me read) this now are jumping up out of your chair in confirmation. Some of you are affirming my story or perhaps you are eagerly waiting to learn where my path has led and what I’ve picked up along the way.
Well, before I go there, I’m going share those 2 very brilliant rules that I wrote one sad, frustrated evening when I declared these The Guidelines for Relationships. To whom did I make my declaration, you might be wondering? Only to myself, sadly. But for that moment it was all I needed. I’ll tell you what I declared the absolute WRONG things to say or do and why. And what I suggested as possible thoughts or next steps for that person suffering from narcissistic tendencies. Maybe some of this will be helpful to you. Maybe it will just help you relate your story to mine. Let’s go!
“RULE #1
WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU THAT THEY FEEL HURT, THAT YOU HAVE HURT THEM, THAT THEY ARE IN PAIN….
DO NOT SAY:
I’M HURT, TOO
I KNOW THE FEELING
YOU HURT ME, TOO
Or anything that looks, sounds or feels like any of these completely unempathetic, unsympathetic, self-centered replies.
”
“RULE #2
WHEN SOMEONE ATTEMPTS TO REVISIT A PREVIOUSLY UNSUCCESSFUL CONVERSATION WITH YOU IN HOPES OF PRODUCING A MORE FAVORABLE RESULT…..
DO NOT:
REPEAT ESSENTIALLY THE SAME THING THAT YOU SAID IN THE FIRST GO AROUND
BECOME EVEN MORE STOIC AND UNDEMONSTRATIVE
LEAVE THAT PERSON HANGING IN MID-AIR UNSATISFIED AND UNCONNECTED ONCE AGAIN
”
You can easily see by these 2 rules that I only was capable of taking the perspective of the wounded empath. At that time I did not actually understand the wounded narcissist. I understand that person much better today. I also understand that even the most sensitive of empaths can also find themself in the seat of the narcissist from time to time. Truth be told, the earth does revolve around each one of us, even if our most typical concern is for the other person.
Here’s one thing that I said that might prove to be true and clarifying. When someone is hurting, regardless of whether you think you did it to them or not, they are expressing their vulnerability. They are revealing themself to you. They are attempting to get close to you. This is actually a truth. To reveal one’s tenderness is, in fact, an outreach for connection. What gets in the way here is unconscious guilt. It’s the other's feeling that it might be true that they did, in fact, do some hurting.
None of us wants to consciously cause hurt to another. To have that desire is not a healthy thought. It is not a balanced thought. When we think we might have caused hurt, and if we cannot absorb that possibility, we might retreat into silence, or withdraw behind a defensive line of denying statements like the ones I mentioned. If not this, then perhaps undemonstrative and abandoning reactions might be the response.
It may seem like a completely crazy idea, but if you have been the receiver in one of these kinds of interactions with your partner, friend or spouse, it’s likely that they cannot handle the idea that they have hurt you. As my ex-husband would say, “it’s opposite day” and what you need to do is approach the hurter when you are the hurt-ee and they don’t approach you first.
There is a prayer I do as a weekly forgiveness ritual. In this prayer ritual there is a piece that says something about fear needing to be dealt with in an even MORE gentle, loving, warm and caring manner. Though you may very clearly be the one who has been dealt a wounding blow, if your “other” does not respond to you appropriately and they seem to abandon you in your time of hurt, it’s more likely that they are in a state of unconscious fear and paralysis. You might find it more effective to approach them in a more loving, gentle and warm manner to explain to them what they did that hurt you.
This obviously puts the onus on the ‘victim’ to not turn on their perpetrator. A very difficult task, indeed. This puts the burden of responsibility on the empath and less so on the narcissist. It’s a strange and seemingly backward solution, but what I’m learning (in painful ways, I might add), as I deepen my journey into the land of empathic reality, is that the more sensitive one has the burden of responsibility. It’s the burden to reveal to the more dense one what they do not know, what they cannot see. A blind person will not ever see as a person with sight does, but a person with sight can certainly convey what they see to the blind one. And, with gentle help and kind persistence, the blind person can then learn to share their version of vision through their other senses once it is supported by their seeing friend.
Here’s another thing I suggest to the more dense person: if you care for that other person, but you realize there is some impediment to your offering them your tenderness, try faking it. Really, just try to fake a tender reply. By simply faking it, you may find that you get some information from them that you might not otherwise have access to with your typical or usual protective, rude, crude, rough, or insensitive reply. So, for the sake of your loved one - just fake it!
Empath, IF they fake it, don’t be too tough on them for the likely imperfect response they’ll offer you. See if you can recognize that they are trying something different. I’m not suggesting that you don’t have your feelings. Chances are quite good that your feelings are way more accurate than their feigned attempt at kindness. But at least they are trying something new.
Narcissist, if you believe that repeating your past actions is going to produce a different future, admit that you are mistaken, or at least offer the idea that you are an amnesia patient. If you want a truly loving and long-lasting relationship with this person that you love (or perhaps feel that you once loved), you might try making a bold and unapologetic declaration: I AM A MORON AND CANNOT BE TRUSTED TO TREAT YOUR FEELINGS WITH THE SAME CONCERN THAT I EXPECT FOR MY OWN FEELINGS! It’s a simple statement and you may not win points for empathy, but you might break through the heaviness between you and your beloved by introducing a bit of levity.
In my earlier writing, I made other suggestions about just how this declaration should be made with clenched fists pounding on your proudly protruding chest. This is my way of injecting a bit of humor into an otherwise intolerable situation. But the truth is that being an empath is a really tough road. The burden of responsibility will always fall upon you to be more soft, more loving, more sensitive and compassionate. Why? Because you already have more of these qualities than your narcissist counterpart may ever understand exist. And, if you see something good in your “other,” and you want them to see that same something in themself, then you are going to have to show it to them. I’d be fairly confident that they actually don’t see themself clearly.
It’s an exhausting role to be an empath. I once had a Shaman tell me that I’m going to have to do things that I don’t want to do in this life. I admit that I don’t always want to be the kind one. I sometimes want to be the one who is the recipient of the kindness. I don’t mind being soft and gentle and understanding. Actually, I prefer it. But if I’m a little too tired, haven’t slept enough or eaten right or had enough quiet time, I may slip. I may be rough around my edges. Sometimes we all have to forgive ourselves. And more frequently than that, we have to learn to forgive others. Ahhh forgiveness…. That will be the subject of another blog. Stay tuned and stay tender, my Empath friends.
