Hugging The Middle – The 90-Day Sadhana Continues
Day 73. Sadhana to Lakshmi.
Approaching that next karmic milestone as another 40-day cycle is nearing its end, I am proceeding mindfully.
The current 40-day cycle was different than the first. During this cycle there were virtually no moments of bliss that I can recall. But there were also fewer moments of despair, which is to say a lot. I like to say that I am “hugging the middle.”
You know that feeling when you are traveling on the turnpike, you’re in the fast lane? You’re zooming along. You’re going faster than you want because there is someone on your tail that is pushing. Ahead on your right is a tractor trailer. You’ve been watching that one for some time because the driving pattern is erratic. Not sure if the driver even sees you, you aren’t sure if he will slightly swerve left just as you pull up along side. The guardrail is on your left. What do you do? You hug the middle. The space isn’t very wide, but the middle is the safest part and it takes all of your attention and your will and your intention to synchronize your advance with your breath and your vision to get ahead and then pass into the middle lane where it’s “safe”. That’s the feeling.
At one point I did something I encourage my clients to do, but something that I rarely permit myself to do. I reached out to my teacher. I couldn’t resist. He made the offer. And I felt pretty desperate. I texted him my stream-of-consciousness dump of despair. I ranted. I had my hand on the throttle and I was cranking it to the max. It was a vent of extreme proportions.
He texted me back a GIF file of a guy sliding down the icy surface desperately fighting not to be pulled into a gaping hole in the ice.
My reply: “Yup! I’m going down the hole. Day 61.”
In that moment, I had no pride, no sense of inhibition. I had only the very primal need to be seen and to be heard. And I knew that what I was venting was totally correct. My teacher’s simple response left the empty space for me to be both correct and to see a bigger picture for myself.
I held on to my anger overnight. And then, early the next morning, I chanted. Again.
“Yoga Sutra II.36
To one established in truthfulness, actions and their results become subservient. – Sri Swami Satchidananda
By the establishment of truthfulness the Yogi gets the power of attaining for himself and others the fruits of work without the works. – Swami Vivekananda
For one established in truth, the result fits the action. – Bernard Bouanchaud”
And something remarkable happened. Right there in the early morning hours as I was chanting aloud and silently 600+ repetitions of the Lakshmi Gayatri Mantra, I got clarity. A veil lifted. I was seeing very clearly something that I had not ever seen before. I saw him (Richard) as he is, not as I imagined him and not as he imagined himself, either. I saw the truth, not the story that I had imagined or expected or hoped for or desired. The story where he fulfills my needs. The one where he fulfills Sarah’s needs.
Sarah was revealed to me during the first segment of this demanding sadhana. Since I “met” her, I’ve recognized that she is a part of me that has been there all along. Looking back, I first recall knowing her when I was 4 or 5 years old. She is the one that was awakened in the night to the sounds of her mother’s soft sobbing. She is the one who slipped out of the bed and went to the kitchen to find her mother silently in anguish and worry and who-knows-what-else because her marriage (to my father) was in the throes of ending. Sarah didn’t know the details. Her mother would never reveal that to such a small child. But Sarah did know that she could provide comfort. And support. And compassion to someone she loved and cared about very much - her mother.
I wonder if Sarah is the one who pushes to find the truth? She didn’t know what was going on to make her mother cry, not exactly. She knew things were not so good because her father was not there very much. When he was, it was a party, literally. He always had to have people around - friends, relatives, cousins. It was always a celebratory atmosphere when Dad was around. But more and more it wasn’t so happy for Mom. Sarah knew. She saw. She watched everything. And though it seems silly to think that this 4-years old little girl could make everything alright for her mommy, Sarah truly believed that comforting her mother at that moment was enough to ease the distress. That was the moment that Sarah fully, completely took on the burden of making sure that everything would be okay. For everyone else. Sarah didn’t really think about herself. She was strong enough to survive. She knew that she would survive. It was everyone else that she was concerned about.
Silently, in the deep, interior chambers of her heart and her mind, she made an oath to be the rock of the family, to hold it all together, and to make sure that everyone else was okay. At that point she wasn’t seeking recognition. I mean, wasn’t it obvious? Didn’t they all realize just what a burden Sarah was holding?
Short answer: No! They didn’t realize it at all. They all just went about their business doing whatever they wanted to do, needed to do or felt compelled to do. Not a single one of them took Sarah into consideration, she was strong enough to fend for herself. And she did, all the while juggling all of their emotions. But at the transitional age of 13, she declared to herself that she was “getting out of there as soon as she could.” Four years later, she did! She left them and those responsibilities far behind when she went off to Manhattan to go to college. Yup! She wasn’t going to carry their baggage around anymore.
I’ll bet you can guess the moral of this story. The programs that we are coded with at such young and tender ages don’t go away. They just get buried. They get quieted and put in the closet. Or the basement. Or some other out-of-the-way place. But these stories and the characters that we hide away don’t actually go away. They show up over and over manipulating us through our emotions. They step in to our life circumstances and they run the show from a control booth that is completely under our radar. Until it is not. The quest for the truth has no boundaries.
The shadow part of us interferes with our relationship with truth. It does so by creating a story that is based on fulfilling its own need. So, in this case, Sarah (a.k.a. my shadow part) has a need to be recognized by her most intimate people for all the loving, caring, nurturing that she offers them. And they don’t recognize that. They just don’t. They expect it, but they don’t recognize it. So the story she has experienced is that she is not appreciated. It’s a sad story. It’s a painful story. And it causes her to suffer.
This suffering can’t actually be relieved by the others. She wishes that it could. God, how she wishes it could… then it would be easy to find the right one who will be just as kind, just as nurturing as she is. The one who will care for her the way she cares for and nurtures them. It’s quite a romantic fantasy. And, at this point, I think it is just that: a fantasy. The handsome prince rides in on the beautiful horse and rescues the damsel in distress.
The truth will set you free! This is what she wants. Freedom is what she has been looking for since age 13 when she declared her emancipation and then since 17 when she took it. Now, possibly, coming on the last years of her 50s, she just might be near the act of grace that is going to bring on the enlightenment. We hope.
Every day, at least twice and sometimes thrice daily, I sit in my sadhana chanting to Mother Lakshmi for a happy marriage. Now I sit knowing that this recently reclaimed part of me that I call Sarah sits with me. Together we pray for the fulfillment of the prayer of happiness and contentment that has been elusive through 2 marriages and now a marriage-like relationship. Instead of the answer being one of a magical prince appearing on his stallion, it’s looking more like a hidden truth emerging from a cloudy reality that seemed to serve a purpose to a brave and loving 4-year old girl.
God works in strange and mysterious ways. So does nature. But they do work. If we work them. So, if we want to know the truth and we commit ourselves to finding it, the truth will find us. It won’t let us down. But it might feel a little bad before it feels a lot good. And while we are speeding along the road of our life, thinking that we can accelerate to reach our destination, we just might find that, from time to time, we have to hug the middle to safely pass through the treacherous moments between the guardrail and that unsteady tractor trailer.
While I have not fully mastered the path to happiness at this point of my process, I have acquired a fair amount of insight that I use to help my clients as they move along on their journeys. One of the gifts of being born under such heavy Saturn influence (as I am) is knowing that the burden and heaviness of the darkness will not kill me. It feels heavy. It feels sad. At times it feels literally unbearable, but what doesn’t kill us does make us stronger and brings the gift of wisdom. I freely share my wisdom with those I work with to unearth their parts and discover their story.
I think there may be one more installment to this particular story. I don’t expect the kind of clarity one hopes for for some time, but After September 7th, I will have achieved my goal and the door to this kingdom will be open for me. To those of you that are suffering, stay the course. If you need a lifeline, I’m available for consultations and sessions in Yoga Therapy.
